My Soul Bleeds Orange
by Haileyamandar
Summary: I've been wondering so much lately, about everything..." A quick insight to what Rukia was feeling while she awaited her execution in Soul Society. Perhaps she wasn't as ready to die as we all thought. Takes place sometime during Soul Society Arc. Oneshot


I used to think that my inner soul would always be bleeding the color red.

Did you even begin to imagine that your soul can bleed?

This world truly is full of magic. Even now as I sit here in this lonely tower, I contemplate the miracles that I have witnessed firsthand and how they have effected my long-term existence. I have been deciding if it is right for me to feel grateful for what has happened to me; after all, I've done things with my own two hands - things to other living persons with thoughts and emotions - that have just about killed my insides with guilt for so long. These actions cannot be ignored forever. In the long run, this must be why I am sitting here patiently, awaiting my execution in Soul Society.

About an hour ago, I came to the conclusion that my life had been lived to the fullest extent possible. It could be that part of me believes that I could no longer even harbor the energy to cling to the thinnest threads of desperation that gives us all the adrenaline we need. Well, perhaps it's not so much the desperation as it is just the simple will to continue living.

I don't know… I've just been wondering so much lately, about everything.

For an excessive amount of time, my mind was always wrapped around Kaien-dono. I breathed Kaien, I dreamed Kaien, I fought for Kaien's honor. He was my hero, my comfort zone, where I could bury away the past - and the future - until I was certain that my life would never again be filled with wavering certainty. The more time that I spent with he and his beloved wife, the happier I became, and I ripened the confidence I had in myself. My soul became lax, like a peaceful spring that spewed forth fresh hope from its deepest caves. I was content.

Kaien is dead now, and I have been continuing my duties without him. Somehow, I've survived a long time as a Shinigami… Just not necessarily as a person. Time and time again, the memory of Kaien's bloody body, being held up only by my tiny frame, flashes to the front of my mind. It will stumble me in any moment, whatever it is I am doing; although it hasn't shown on the outside, my soul has been cringing since I listened to my hero suck in his last breath, his unsteady hands grasping at my shoulders just moments before he fell dead to his grave.

And who was the one who killed him?

I think Byakuya, although rather distant and cold towards me since the beginning, always knew of my admiration for Kaien-dono. I can't really put it into words, but those first few weeks after I had killed my own most cherished loved one in self-defense, I sensed my brother's concern. It was hidden, but the feeling of it was as sharp as a blade in a my heart. I speculate that this is the one thing that helped me cope all this time - the powerful connection between my brother and I. Yes, even though Byakuya is now pretending like it doesn't bother him that I am to be killed, I can still respect the man he is on the inside. He cares about me, but I am a criminal. He must do what must be done. If only I could have lived a life as noble as Byakuya-sama's.

My soul… It has been fatally hemorrhaging ever since Kaien was killed, and even though Byakuya was the one keeping me held together… There is only one person to credit for the threads that have sutured my wound and have saved me from losing my inner self.

Right now, I will close my eyes. Instead of seeing nothing but red stains and a dying face, I now see the color orange. There are narrowed eyes that stare at me… Kind of tinted orange, like his hair, but when the sunlight catches them deeply at the right time and angle, I see a sort of flame jumping straight through his retinas, and it burns through my core.

Ichigo…

He must think I overuse that word. Having time to think back on the short amount of time spent with him, I had a self-discovery about just how much I truly adore his name. It slides effortlessly over my tongue. It gives me a warm feeling as I call it out loud. It is a fiery name, as vibrant as Ichigo's orange hair and as intense as the look in his eyes. Maybe his name was what tied me to him from the start.

That man gives me chills that I cannot ignore.

In the beginning, the first week that I spent getting to know Ichigo as I slept in my gigai, in his closet, his face ripped freshly at the old scars of my heart. How much he resembled Kaien was eerie to me, and I wondered if, somehow, he was Kaien-dono reborn, returning to exact revenge or to remind me of the past forever. I quickly learned, however, that Ichigo was his own person in every way. There has never been anyone like him and there never again will be. Everything about him is unique. If his hair color and his name weren't enough to prove it, I would happily spend a significant amount of time writing out a long, detailed list of Ichigo's most wonderful qualities. The things that draw me to him. The power of his soul spirit which is strong enough to influence other beings. His ability to make me smile.

Do I regret making him a substitute Death God? My opinion fluctuates on different occasions.

It's really strange. Most of me wants Ichigo to stay away from Soul Society. I know what he's like, how proud and stubborn he is once he has found his resolve. He will get hurt if he tries to come here and rescue me, and I don't want that to happen. I care about him too much… I've become way too attached, I admit that, but if it means saving Ichigo's life, I'd gladly die in this execution without ever seeing his frowning face again. No matter how much it means to me…

_Ichigo_…

He makes me feel safe. I'm ashamed to admit it; I used to be a capable Shinigami who didn't need somebody to protect me. Now that I've met Ichigo and I have given him my powers, I find myself…with the need to be protected by someone.

No, not just someone. Not just anybody. I want to be protected by _him_.

I mentioned a part of me wants Ichigo to stay away from me and Soul Society for fear of his life. The other part is my secret selfishness, a sin that's deep inside of me. I cannot forgive myself for it, either; the truth is, I think I _want_ Ichigo to save me. If he can't save me, then I want to die wrapped in his arms… Just like Kaien-dono perished in mine. It would be the best place to fade away. In the arms of your most beloved person.

I could never do that to Ichigo. If he had to watch me die because he was unable to protect me by his own strength, he would end up dying with me. That's the way Ichigo is. That's the kind of man I gave my Shinigami powers to. And I love him for that, I truly do.

The need to be protected by Ichigo. It is very childish of me.

This is why I am suddenly unsure about the decision I made approximately sixty minutes ago. If I am yearning for something this badly, surely I can't be ready to die. And there is no way in the gates of Hell that Ichigo isn't coming here, right now, to rescue me. So I have to live, no matter what. Ichigo is coming for me, and I must hold out for him. If I die, he dies, and that's unacceptable for both of us.

Together, Ichigo and I have changed each other's worlds around. I gave him the ability to protect what he loves. He gave me… Ichigo gave me back my soul. And now my soul is no longer bleeding the color red, but vibrant orange! I live and breathe for Ichigo, I fight in Ichigo's honor.

Yes, the most magical thing in this world that I've encountered is Ichigo himself. He would kill me himself if I ever told him that. That's okay, it'll be my secret.

Right now, I can close my eyes…

Now I feel his intense stare boring into me, and I can feel the warmth of his human skin through his clothes as he grips my soul tightly and refuses to let go.

_Ichigo…_

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**Author's Note: I am currently on episode 91 of Bleach. Keep that in mind if you plan on correcting me on anything having to do with the plot, please.  
Also remember that this is a fanfiction and so I reserve the right to switch some things around, such as the possibility that Rukia was uncertain in the beginning whether or not that Ichigo had survived Byakuya's attack in the real world. In this fanfiction, she knows it in her heart that he would have survived and does not question it :) It's as simple as that.  
Thanks for reading!**

**For my avid AHOG2 readers - chapter 4 is coming sometime.**


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